I’ve been fighting a lie for the past week or so, wrestling with my thoughts on how small changes affect outcomes in a big way. More specifically, I’ve bought into the lie that changes must be grand and dramatic in order to be effective.

Over the past month or two, I’ve worked towards goals I have in several different areas. I want to make writing a part of my daily life, alongside movement and healthy eating. Rather than going all-out in any one of these categories, I’ve chosen to make small steps toward each daily.

The difficulty with this approach has proven to be a lack of notable progress across the board. The boxes in my bullet journal have been dutifully marked off, but I have nothing substantial to show for my efforts.

I’m not sharing this week or last week’s boxes, because I’ve started slacking. However those boxes have provided motivation over the past month or so!

In contrast, I wholeheartedly believe in the negative side of this concept. This past week I’ve been on the go, getting in bed late, and the exhaustion is catching up with me. Individually speaking, nothing I’m doing is crazy or unreasonable. After work, I’ve met up with Jay to attend a concert, dinner with his clients, and weekly trivia among other things.

The accumulation, however, has proven to be too much for me. During a conversation with a confidant, I admitted my fatigue. Frustrated at my exhaustion and anxiety, I questioned if I had transitioned into introversion (and more importantly, if the transition is reversible.)

Exhibit A: I placed my coffee cup under the Keurig upside down. Then proceeded to make a cup, which ran all across my counter (because the cup covered most of the catch basin.)

I opened my bullet journal to review the previous days, trying to drill back to when it all started. That’s when I realized I’d spent 5 straight days without having a night at home to decompress, but more than that even. 5 straight nights of not getting an appropriate amount of sleep, and making questionable food and drink choices.

Since I have seen the negative consequences of the accumulation of little things, why do I still have trouble accepting that a build up of positive actions could have beneficial results?