I’ve stopped writing. Trying to get a fix on exactly what my direction in life is, my words became silent. To satisfy my love of words, I turned to books. Like most everything in my life, the ebbs and flows sometimes draw me to creating, other times I devour what others have done.
Over the month of July, I read 10 books, with 6 of those being non-fiction. I’m trying to find my role in the body of Christ, and I’ve looked to these authors as mentors to help me. What I’m finding, however, is that there is no template for the Christian life.
I want it to be that easy. If only the Bible laid out an exact plan for what I’m supposed to be doing, I wouldn’t be in this place of inactivity.
Instead, we’re given this charge: Love God, love my neighbor. I’ve been trying to work through what that looks like, but I can’t help but think I’m coming up short.
Also, for my 36th birthday, I challenged myself to accept who I am, to love me despite my flaws. Is it possible for me to look upon myself as Abba does? So far the answer is no, but instead of hammering through my frustration through the keyboard, I retreated.
After boldly proclaiming freedom from vanity, I fell back into my calorie counting days of old. To monitor my moderation, I told myself, and I honestly believed it. A week later when my moderation and lack of indulgences didn’t net me a weight loss, my reaction was less than grace-filled.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
I am weak. My writing fails to measure up. My thighs measure too much. My work doesn’t excite me. While I believe this verse from the New Testament is absolute truth, in theory, I fail to live it. My behavior doesn’t line up with my belief. Add that to my list of weaknesses.